Training Wheels

So I’ve gone through a lot these past few months. I will have to break it into a series of blogs, because I can’t fit it all in one–

The last blog was about an erratic flight to Denver to meet a boy who I had never met in my life. Luckily I did not get murdered and dumped in the mountains somewhere. But let me tell you a little bit more about how that is going–

Have you ever felt a feeling when you meet someone that you are somehow supposed to be together? It’s a crazy thought in my opinion, but I can’t shake it. I think Max is my soulmate. We are exactly 744 miles apart, and I still cannot stop believing that he is my soulmate.

A couple of things happened between Max and I in the past 4 months. I think we realize that a long distance relationship is stupid.. because it is. My mom once said “Amor de lejos para pendejos”. — Or “Amor de lejos, felices los cuatro”. Basically what my mom means is that long distance relationships are for morons. So we decided to live our lives, but still Facetime each other and tell each other “I love you”. 

Do I mean it? Yes I do. It hurts, deep down in my heart when I say it. It’s like a punch to my heart when I look straight into his eyes during our Facetime calls and he says it. Because I know that he means it, but I also know he will never move to Texas. At this point, I don’t know how much I believe the whole “If it’s meant to be it will be”. Because I could bet on my life that we are meant to be.. but I don’t know that we will ever be.

I bought him a plane ticket to come to Dallas two months ago. He went bezerk, didn’t take my flight and we went on a month hiatus because I was so pissed. He was going through some serious emotional issues and then to top off this shitty situation he got laid off from his job.

Something about the way he talks to me. The way he just stares at me when we Facetime without saying a word. There’s something about the way we can just sit in silence staring at each other on these screens that connect us from miles away that just doesn’t let me move on with my life. He says I will always be his “Jenny” (Forrest Gump reference).

I will never forget how I felt walking into Denver International the day I was leaving. We had spent the day in Golden, Colorado at the Coors Brewery and I remember we couldn’t stop kissing each other. I did not want the day to end, and I did not want to board that plane. He dropped me off at the airport and we hugged for what seemed to be an eternity. He looked my straight into my eyes, with the saddest most broken smile and said I love you. I will never in my life ever forget this. He has asked me to come to Denver this weekend, but I can’t because I have to work.

Heartbreak hurts, but it’s the memories that kill. I guess this was the moment in which I take off the training wheels on my love life, and buck up to what the true feeling of being in love is. And love hurts.

I think I should fly out to Denver again. I need to feel what I felt when I went last.

When you feel too much for someone you should not feel for at all.. Part 1

Hey guys. Sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ve been really busy with work and just life in general. I have a current situation which is consuming my heart and soul.. and it hurts.

A few months ago, I met a guy on Tinder. This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous and farfetched– but bear with me. I’ll tell you all about it.

It all started one night when I was at work. I matched with this guy, his name is Max. He began messaging me about wanting to meet up and stuff, but I was at work that night and for the weekend at that so I knew I wouldn’t be able to because I work overnights and I had to sleep during the day. I was immediately turned off when he said he was in town for the weekend from Denver and that he thought I was beautiful. Of course I knew his intentions, because I am not stupid. I immediately began to ignore him and went about my night at work. He kept blowing me up with messages, and once I told him I didn’t want to hook up he became even more persistent. I, being the master of ignoring, kept ignoring him all night.. but I never unmatched. Something inside of me told me not to, and at first I thought it was because he was giving me attention so I just let it be.

One thing led to another, and I gave him my cellphone number. He was blowing my phone up and I immediately became somewhat agitated. I think at some point I said “fuck off”. But he infact did not “fuck off”. Infact he did not “fuck off” for three straight days. Guy was determined.

Anyway, the last night he was in town– he kept calling me. But I was on my way to meet a guy who I was “talking to”, and I was supposed to watch a movie with him at his place (yes you are assuming the right thing, I was hooking up with this guy). He called me once last time, and I picked up my phone and rejected the call. He left a voicemail saying “Hey beautiful, just calling one last time. I leave for Denver tomorrow and I wanted to meet you.. but I guess you’re busy. Let me know if you want to meet in the morning before my flight.”

I got in bed with the asshole I chose to hang out with instead of hanging out the guy blowing my phone up. I woke up in the morning, took a look at Abe and got up to leave. At that very instant I no longer wanted anything to do with him. Not because he did anything, and we didn’t even do anything that night but sleep, but because something inside told me to walk away from him for good.

I got in my car and called Max back, and his phone went straight to voicemail. I assumed he was on his flight and let it be. I went to lunch with my best friend and went on about my day. That night, I began to have actual conversation with Max. He asked me why I wasn’t responding to his messages or calls, and I was blunt and honest and said “because you only wanted to fuck me.. but you didn’t want to know ME”. I remember I was sitting in my living room watching TV with my roommate while I was texting Max, and I will never forget the very moment. Because from that moment on.. He began to want to know me, everything about me. Details about my life no one had asked before. That very moment was the moment in which he came into my life to shake it completely.

We talked every waking moment. Phone calls, text messages, snapchats and pictures. Non-stop communication. He became the center of my world.. Max became one of the most important people, and I had never even met him. There was a connection deeper than I’ve ever felt with anyone, it was as if I had known him forever, and I had been waiting for him forever.

So remember the last quick blog in which I said I took a spontaneous flight to Denver? Well, it was to go see Max. He asked me to go visit him, and for some reason I booked a flight that same night and when Friday came, I was on my way to Denver. I told my roommate where I was going and why.. and he thought I was insane, but he supported my insanity. But not without me giving him all of his details. His address, his phone number and I even had him send me a picture of his DL.

I flew into Denver on a Friday night, once I landed my heart began to race.. and I couldn’t breath. (Partly because of the elevation as well haha). He drove up in his little purple Scion, got out of his car and gave me the biggest most heartwarming hug. My heart felt something I’ve never felt when meeting someone for the first time. It felt as if I had just met my soulmate.

I’ve always believed that soulmates don’t exist. That’s the type of bullshit you read about in poetry, or a random internet meme. But by god.. I felt it. It felt as if I had been wandering this earth searching for my other half and for the first time I felt whole while he had me in his arms.

I spent the entire weekend in Denver.. and I can easily say it was the best four days of my life. I had never felt so happy, I had never felt so right. This all felt like a dream, but it was all real.

Fast forward to right now.. 

I am heartbroken. I am drowning in sadness. I’m in love with a guy who is 744 miles away from me, and neither of us are willing to leave our home states to be with each other. So much has happened between the moment of me leaving Denver to this exact moment.

Guys, if you have ever felt true heartbreak.. you know exactly how I feel right this moment. I have never felt this heaviness in my soul. I don’t know that I know how to deal with this sadness. It’s beyond any sadness I have ever felt. I have been working for too many days straight, because if I go home I will do nothing but cry.

This really sucks. To an extreme level. I want this to go away.. and I never want to feel this way for anyone ever again.. I think I might have slight depression.

First Post— Don’t be too hard on me!

Well I decided to start this blog to be able to vent to random people who want to read about my life situations. Just to start off and introduce myself– I am 27 years old and I am a young professional. I am Latina and I come from a traditional Latino family, and of course have many “rules” I have to follow. I graduated from college with a degree in Political Science and International Relations– and my second step would have been law school but I got a sweet promotion with the company I work for now so I decided to stay and now work in business.

I recently moved out of my parents house with a roommate (first rule I broke from a traditional Latino household, especially as a female). I live in a neighborhood where there are a lot of young professionals (yuppies) and there are always people either running or working out, or simply at the dog park playing fetch with their dog. Living here has kind of started to take a toll on me, not negatively, but more of a reality check. I need to be more active.–

All of my life, I’ve struggled with my body image. I have always been overweight. Not obese, just overweight. When I was in high school, this was an issue. No stupid high school boy wanted a chub for a girlfriend! I had one high school boyfriend, and he was the person whom I lost my virginity to. Which was.. meh. But grant it, we were like 19 years old and obviously had no sex experience. Now, I am 27 years old and I feel like I am still overweight, the only difference is that I have a lot more confidence, and that makes me SEXY. I have found that over the years, males have been attracted to me because of how successful I am and how much confidence I have. Which is great, but I am still overweight. Guys think it’s sexy for me to have curves, I feel like a damn dough roll that needs to be controlled. Even though I am still a chubs, I’ve had plenty of sex with different partners. Now, here is where I am going to be very clear– I do not want to hear any judgement from this. This is MY decision, because I like to experience and learn. Unless you’re my husband (which I highly doubt that you are, because well I am not married) you do not need to lay judgement upon this. But if you want to stick around my blog, you will get to hear about it.. and trust me it will probably be fun to read.

Anyway, I’ve started my week with a four hour hike (And it was pretty painful BTW.) I am pretty active because my job requires me to be so, but damn. Four hour hike, with minimal breaks in between? KILL ME. After we were done, I felt great about myself! I made it through! So now, it is Tuesday and I am writing this blog before I go to the gym.

All in all, this blog will have a combination of my journey through weight loss, change in lifestyle and probably sexual encounters. I am going through a tough time right now, I feel alone in a crowd and I feel like I am looking for something but I don’t know what it is. I get emotional and I feel as if no one really cares to hear– which really sucks. There are times where I feel great, and there are times when I just hate everything. I think this might be depression? I think I can fight it, I usually can get out of the slump. I figure maybe blogging about my life will help me. I am in search for whatever my heart things I need from life, which right now is just to vent. Hopefully I get some good feedback in this and meet a lot of cool bloggers along the way!

 

That’s it for now, I have to stop typing before I lose all motivation to go to the gym.

Signing off,

~K