Training Wheels

So I’ve gone through a lot these past few months. I will have to break it into a series of blogs, because I can’t fit it all in one–

The last blog was about an erratic flight to Denver to meet a boy who I had never met in my life. Luckily I did not get murdered and dumped in the mountains somewhere. But let me tell you a little bit more about how that is going–

Have you ever felt a feeling when you meet someone that you are somehow supposed to be together? It’s a crazy thought in my opinion, but I can’t shake it. I think Max is my soulmate. We are exactly 744 miles apart, and I still cannot stop believing that he is my soulmate.

A couple of things happened between Max and I in the past 4 months. I think we realize that a long distance relationship is stupid.. because it is. My mom once said “Amor de lejos para pendejos”. — Or “Amor de lejos, felices los cuatro”. Basically what my mom means is that long distance relationships are for morons. So we decided to live our lives, but still Facetime each other and tell each other “I love you”. 

Do I mean it? Yes I do. It hurts, deep down in my heart when I say it. It’s like a punch to my heart when I look straight into his eyes during our Facetime calls and he says it. Because I know that he means it, but I also know he will never move to Texas. At this point, I don’t know how much I believe the whole “If it’s meant to be it will be”. Because I could bet on my life that we are meant to be.. but I don’t know that we will ever be.

I bought him a plane ticket to come to Dallas two months ago. He went bezerk, didn’t take my flight and we went on a month hiatus because I was so pissed. He was going through some serious emotional issues and then to top off this shitty situation he got laid off from his job.

Something about the way he talks to me. The way he just stares at me when we Facetime without saying a word. There’s something about the way we can just sit in silence staring at each other on these screens that connect us from miles away that just doesn’t let me move on with my life. He says I will always be his “Jenny” (Forrest Gump reference).

I will never forget how I felt walking into Denver International the day I was leaving. We had spent the day in Golden, Colorado at the Coors Brewery and I remember we couldn’t stop kissing each other. I did not want the day to end, and I did not want to board that plane. He dropped me off at the airport and we hugged for what seemed to be an eternity. He looked my straight into my eyes, with the saddest most broken smile and said I love you. I will never in my life ever forget this. He has asked me to come to Denver this weekend, but I can’t because I have to work.

Heartbreak hurts, but it’s the memories that kill. I guess this was the moment in which I take off the training wheels on my love life, and buck up to what the true feeling of being in love is. And love hurts.

I think I should fly out to Denver again. I need to feel what I felt when I went last.

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