When you feel too much for someone you should not feel for at all.. Part 1

Hey guys. Sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ve been really busy with work and just life in general. I have a current situation which is consuming my heart and soul.. and it hurts.

A few months ago, I met a guy on Tinder. This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous and farfetched– but bear with me. I’ll tell you all about it.

It all started one night when I was at work. I matched with this guy, his name is Max. He began messaging me about wanting to meet up and stuff, but I was at work that night and for the weekend at that so I knew I wouldn’t be able to because I work overnights and I had to sleep during the day. I was immediately turned off when he said he was in town for the weekend from Denver and that he thought I was beautiful. Of course I knew his intentions, because I am not stupid. I immediately began to ignore him and went about my night at work. He kept blowing me up with messages, and once I told him I didn’t want to hook up he became even more persistent. I, being the master of ignoring, kept ignoring him all night.. but I never unmatched. Something inside of me told me not to, and at first I thought it was because he was giving me attention so I just let it be.

One thing led to another, and I gave him my cellphone number. He was blowing my phone up and I immediately became somewhat agitated. I think at some point I said “fuck off”. But he infact did not “fuck off”. Infact he did not “fuck off” for three straight days. Guy was determined.

Anyway, the last night he was in town– he kept calling me. But I was on my way to meet a guy who I was “talking to”, and I was supposed to watch a movie with him at his place (yes you are assuming the right thing, I was hooking up with this guy). He called me once last time, and I picked up my phone and rejected the call. He left a voicemail saying “Hey beautiful, just calling one last time. I leave for Denver tomorrow and I wanted to meet you.. but I guess you’re busy. Let me know if you want to meet in the morning before my flight.”

I got in bed with the asshole I chose to hang out with instead of hanging out the guy blowing my phone up. I woke up in the morning, took a look at Abe and got up to leave. At that very instant I no longer wanted anything to do with him. Not because he did anything, and we didn’t even do anything that night but sleep, but because something inside told me to walk away from him for good.

I got in my car and called Max back, and his phone went straight to voicemail. I assumed he was on his flight and let it be. I went to lunch with my best friend and went on about my day. That night, I began to have actual conversation with Max. He asked me why I wasn’t responding to his messages or calls, and I was blunt and honest and said “because you only wanted to fuck me.. but you didn’t want to know ME”. I remember I was sitting in my living room watching TV with my roommate while I was texting Max, and I will never forget the very moment. Because from that moment on.. He began to want to know me, everything about me. Details about my life no one had asked before. That very moment was the moment in which he came into my life to shake it completely.

We talked every waking moment. Phone calls, text messages, snapchats and pictures. Non-stop communication. He became the center of my world.. Max became one of the most important people, and I had never even met him. There was a connection deeper than I’ve ever felt with anyone, it was as if I had known him forever, and I had been waiting for him forever.

So remember the last quick blog in which I said I took a spontaneous flight to Denver? Well, it was to go see Max. He asked me to go visit him, and for some reason I booked a flight that same night and when Friday came, I was on my way to Denver. I told my roommate where I was going and why.. and he thought I was insane, but he supported my insanity. But not without me giving him all of his details. His address, his phone number and I even had him send me a picture of his DL.

I flew into Denver on a Friday night, once I landed my heart began to race.. and I couldn’t breath. (Partly because of the elevation as well haha). He drove up in his little purple Scion, got out of his car and gave me the biggest most heartwarming hug. My heart felt something I’ve never felt when meeting someone for the first time. It felt as if I had just met my soulmate.

I’ve always believed that soulmates don’t exist. That’s the type of bullshit you read about in poetry, or a random internet meme. But by god.. I felt it. It felt as if I had been wandering this earth searching for my other half and for the first time I felt whole while he had me in his arms.

I spent the entire weekend in Denver.. and I can easily say it was the best four days of my life. I had never felt so happy, I had never felt so right. This all felt like a dream, but it was all real.

Fast forward to right now.. 

I am heartbroken. I am drowning in sadness. I’m in love with a guy who is 744 miles away from me, and neither of us are willing to leave our home states to be with each other. So much has happened between the moment of me leaving Denver to this exact moment.

Guys, if you have ever felt true heartbreak.. you know exactly how I feel right this moment. I have never felt this heaviness in my soul. I don’t know that I know how to deal with this sadness. It’s beyond any sadness I have ever felt. I have been working for too many days straight, because if I go home I will do nothing but cry.

This really sucks. To an extreme level. I want this to go away.. and I never want to feel this way for anyone ever again.. I think I might have slight depression.

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